"X"-th straight weekend indoors. Laxing with my family. Or well, I'm at my room. I've just been at the school to talk with a girl. I just needed someone to talk to. I like her, she's so adorable cosy. Something between a very good friend, a girlfriend and a... mother. She'll be a good mother. I've had a crush on her. Unfortunately it was after I said "No," to her several times. She has asked me. I declined and regretted it for a long time.
I really should've accepted, she've changed so much, for the better FYI. So at this party I admitted it to her. She just wanted to be friends. I understand it. Wonder how it would be if we actually were together at that time. Now I think it would've been an awesome travel were we got close to each other since we also were very good friends...
Maybe that's why one of the reasons my life has been going from Paradise to... a withered reality. Why does it have to be so effing boring to grow up? Sometimes I wish to just fuck what other expect and do what I want without thinking about what others think about me. I don't dare.
All of this and a lot of other smaller happenings have made me be what I am today. If I didn't have anyone to talk to on this chat program Messenger, I would've been dead by now. Now I'm just cutting myself, dunno why. It feels kinda right. Like something between suicide and torturing myself.
I wish growing up didn't hurt so much. FYI, aint talking about cutting myself, talkin about losing my friends "closeness". There's just a few persons I can talk to about... things I'm wondering of. Most of the conclusions is "That's life."
And as they say in American Beauty; "You're old enough to know it now. The only one you can trust in this whole world is yourself,"
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