- Moving from my childhood friends.
- PC Addiction (yeah, and I'm serious, lol.)
- Neverending nagging in our house.
- My grown-up(?) friends or whatever I should call them.
- The feeling of that everyone's doing something meaningful in their life, when I just sleeze away the time of my life sitting in my room with a feeling that there's nothing to do where I live.
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| Source: http://www.grabagaff.com/media/img/depression.jpg |
Moving from my childhood friends:
When i began in 3rd grade my parents brought me with them. To my parents' homeplace. "Just" half a country from my childhood. In the beginning it was OK. Meeting new friends and exploring a quite new place. Nine years after you think "Fuck this sick scenery of boredom!" You get tired, since there's nothing happening. Endorphins are no longer being extracted and something fundamental in your own mental health feels like it's suffocated. Two days ago I walked a trip since my father told me to go out. I went out, randomly going to places. Soon I was in the wilderness. I found a big stone i climbed upon to get a better cellphone coverage. When I'd made my call, I randomly did something strange. Removed my trouser. I mean, who the fuck does things like that? Just sat there like three minutes feeling fresh air to bare legs, lol. Might be a sign of me getting psychological crazy?
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| Source: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrXMMorc9EZHtpPWgZyOUMY9hFQOkUqvS2yz0G53wTFy-4oG1e9L-8KdIO1p_5ng-UQNlTCrt3TNc8mo2vu6s3h198MCHcHmqm11Va2ZjP_1HJbPJSGvPUvjtbmK4eSAXxSxgT-kp2VxMA/s1600/Wilderness.jpg |
Even before we'd moved from my childhood paradise I'd discovered a human trap, the PC. It was a magnet for me. Everytime I heard the logon sound from Windows 98 I ran to the desktop where it was located and saw what my dad did. Asked about as little as possible, I wanted to learn it by myself to show him that you didn't need the "New to PC?"-programs. It was self explainable, I told him. Since that time, some months before I was starting in 1st grade i was very interested in pc's. Even without the internet! I helped my friends installing games. They thought I was a genius, even if I just clicked "I accept the license agreements," and "Next" all the time. And then my one friend forced my to read the dialogue texts which said what you were gonna do in the game. Now he's a gamer and has the ability to create small programs. That's not what might create the depression, it's the monotonic feeling. Just to surf Facebook to see if someone has talked to you without you to say "Hi!" first or someone who needs computer help. It's a waste of time and life. I want to quit Facebook, but I know that if I deactivate my account I'll just activate it again. The PC was my replacement for entertainment when I couldn't hang out w/ my friends. So when we moved to this island, where there aren't so many people, I'm nerding all the time.
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| Source: http://www.personal.psu.edu/afr3/blogs/SIOW/Facebook-is-a-drug.jpg |
Yeah, this one is actually a looong and complicated story I cannot write very well.
Since we moved to this god forsaken island there have been this never-ending nagging in our house. Nagging about cleaning. I like a clean house, that's not the point. But we're doing it everyday. It has to be done everyday, or else there will be a mess. A mess which will be another thief of time. Time I just would've been using surfing the internet anyways. Internet has been my "drug" for several years. Then it was alcohol, less than internet but just to have a little release of adrenalin in the blood. I always puke when I drink, however strange and disgusting it sounds, I get a feeling of refreshment and the fact that I'm actually alive, lol. I'm a lot home, since my friends seem to think I've been to strange the last years. A static mood and monotonous voice isn't the most interesting. I get that, it's just so exhausting to pretend that you're happy or creating a happy voice. It sounds fake anyways. Hate when my parents say "Cheer up, we got company!" or when they see me depressed and asking me what is wrong. I say "I don't know!" but they don't believe me. This happen from time to time, we end up sitting in a ring and they yells at me telling me I should say what's wrong. My general mood has dropped since we moved. I always wonder how it would be if we didn't move, would I still be that emotional? Or would I be one of this soiled of rap preppies?
My grown-up(?) friends or whatever I should call them.
It's strange how glad I am in the people that live far away, rather than them who lives on the same place as me. My best friends doesn't even live in the same municipality as me. Some years ago, suddenly I wasn't so cool as they told me I was. I sunk at the pop. rate and soon I was normal. But it didn't stop there. Sometime between 5th and 7th grade they formed a group on the coach in the backroom asking me if I had had sex yet. I said "No, I haven't,". Then they just said "Hm." and looked at me. Awkward silence. I continued my lessons. "And since, and since, and since", lol. Some years after I noticed I wasn't that much outgoing as I was before. The playing and exploring in the forest had ended and the only "social approved meeting place" was at someones home, the local shop or the school court. It sounds OK, but trust me, you'll get so fucking tired of it that you prefer the company of a neutral third part, the PC.
The feeling of that everyone's doing something meaningful in their life, when I just sleeze away the time of my life sitting in my room with a feeling that there's nothing to do where I live.
When I'm browsing Facebook (yeah, me too...) seeing other humans being social with each other, I get sooo jealous. Yup. Being good at school don't make you happy in your own social environment. Your friends don't care too much how you're doing at school if you ain't followin the same social patterns as theirselves. Gotta be something with the influential moods of Hollywood. However, I see people getting girlfriends, breaking up, having emotional relationships too each other deeper than best friends. I have several best friends. At the web. IRL, I also have someone. But I don't feel like I'm talking to them as often as I should. Of course, I try sometimes, but I don't wanna nag or be the guy which is stalking everyone. When my best friends boyfriend was at a mountain holiday, she called me. We talked like an hour together. About her, about me, about us, about common relations and everything that means something. So, when her boyfriend went home I continued to text her as much as we did when he was at holiday. She answered less and less, leaving me with the question; Did she use me as a replacement? We'd met before she got her boyfriend, and the chemistry between us is good. Why isn't she contacting me as much as before? When I contact her, I get short messages. And everyone knows that's not good. Last year, when I was about to start at high school, I thought life would be different, that I would've been partying with my classmates, play fight a little, get some rumours and get some more sex. What actually happened: Most of the time after-school was surfing the internet, clean clothes, making food. Sometimes ofc I met people in front of the shops but that was it.
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