Social Mindfucked

Sorry for no posts at a long time. There's reasons for that. Here's an entry I wrote when I was all offline:

09, 18th 2011

Feelings of social retreat. Still no internet connection. Today, Sunday, would be a nice day to get up together with a girl. The sun was shining really bright in the sleeping room, right trough the persiennas. But it wasn't sharp and uncomfortable bright. You could feel a very good and natural warmth. In a way, I'm glad I got up alone. I had that morning face.

Breakfast. In fact, it's frozen pizza for breakfast. I want something warm and shall save the cheese for the night food. Cheese sandwiches. I didn't do anything special yesterday (Saturday). Quarter to eight yesterday Saturday night, I took the 11-bus home. After several hours at the mall to see if there was anyone there who I knew, that I could talk to. There wasn't.

When I was home I started. 5 bags of Turkish pepper lozenges was bought. For one times sake I was gonna be ready to have something to drink if I was invited to a party. I haven't got anything (booze). Today I started to know why people my age is cutting theirselves. Actually I got this strange urge to do it. I made a heavily looking but short cut. Right next to thee two big strings at the middle.

I put the cutting tool at it's right place. In the cupboard over the stove. Actually it's a scrape. For the plates on the stove. I sprayed some Blue Jif that I'd bought earlier today at the glass table. There was some fat spots and food on it. After that I played a game called TrackMania United Forever.

I can't very precisely say that I've got social anxiety. I dare easily to call people and ask them if they're joining going out. It's just that, when I'm with them, I'm boring. And excactly cause I'm boring they want someone else to be there at the same time. I'm most comfortable when it's just me and one other person.

Which teenager is it that on a saturday night walks around alone without anything to do right in the centrum of a city? My father once said that he thinks I'm very like him. We like different things. He's interested in far more masculine stuff than me. Like farm work. His skills in car motors are far higher than mine's. And motors, generally. What he means when he says that I'm very like him when he was my age is that he was very shyly. And that he had few friends. One time he borrowed away some motorbike parts. They was sold by the guy who borrowed them. He never saw the parts, nor got anything from the guy my dad borrowed the parts to.

Every now and then I'm wondering if dad was as bored as often as I am. He didn't have internet in his youth. 

In a way I should wish that that was my case too. After I was really driven into this "social web communities"-stuff my life has been very narrowed. I don't really do so much. My friends seem to have some sort of progress in their lives. "Pete" seems to have something going on with a girl. He was even invited to a cottage tour by her. He don't want me to know her name. "Judy" has been less and less receptive to meet me. I don't dare how Ida's gonna react if I meet her. But it's gonne include ditching and down-ranking...

I've tried to fit in among the youth North in this country. It's hard, though. Especially when you don't know what's in, what the trends are. Or when you know what's hot, but in personal thinks it's so ugly that you're not gonna waste money or time on it. Like sidecut, or ear tunels. The fact that things like that actually are mainstrem is for me hard to get.

Ironically, that sort of stuff comes from the subcultures that I like. Gothers, emos, people with scenestyled hair. There's not that many of them where I live right now. And the few that are, are mostly guys or chicks that are in a relationship. With older guys (for the girls), and younger girls (for the boys). So that they can buy beer. And snuff. That have a secure job.

I'm also a little mad at myself. When I lived at the small god-forsaken island I was looking forward to move cause there wasn't no excitement in living their anymore - I was looking forward to move to the mainlands. The mainlands means a small town just a ferry tour from the god-forsaken island, a little town with someting like 3k inhabitants. I thought it should be an easy task to find a girl there. It was not. In fact, there was also hard to get more than 3 firm friends that you could hang out with every now and then. And that was 3 boys. There was one person that was just in the middle of firm and "I don't care". She was a girl. Later that year she had a relationship with one of the boys.

And that's how the situation went on, 8 months. 8 months mostly inside my dorm after school. Either for doing homework, or for surfing the internet. When the school year was over, I wasn't even overwhelmed for the fact that is was summer vacation. "Nah" was my reaction to that. I knew that I mostly would sit inside next to my PC or be alone outside biking and taking pictures from stroll walks.

Last year (summer of '10) I was actually looking forward to the end of the summer vacation (and that's something I haven't done earlier). Earlier years, when I was living at the god-forsaken island I was being a little huffy to meet the pupils I was in class with. One of the years in the middle school (5th - 7th grade) I was to boring for my classmates. That's ok, all newbies on a school is getting bored after some time, but it didn't stop there. At the noons when we met at the school area to hang out I was often indirectly ditched. By everyone. After some time I of course didn't want to hang out with them anymore. Then I isolated myself at my room.

At that time I hoped that it all was a fake reality that we'd moved from my childhood paradise. It seemed like everyone had turned theirselfs against me. That it was me versus everyting outside my sleeping room door. And that it was the meaning that I should never ever have a girlfriend. I often cried back then. I concluded that is was because I were meant to save the magic of love until I found someone that I really, really loved. And not just someone I said I loved just to impress my friends. I don't even know why I should do that.

I cried cause I was so sad over the loss of so much time with my friends I've know as long as I can remember. My memories from that time is forgoldened in my head. I can see the memories as several slowframed films. Slo-mo with strong saturation and a diffuse glow. 

The memories from the god-forsaken Island is in "normal mode". But I can feel a strange feeling in my stomach. Like a bubble. I don't like it.

This might be a little odd, but I've also though how my life would be if I was a girl. I'm a little convinced that my life would've been a lot sadder if you put a girl in the life that I now live as a boy. If she knew as little people as me that she could've hanged out with in the weekends she must've been directly ugly. And smelled like tare. And if she cried cause she had few friends, she would've been much more affected by her selfconfession. She would've finished the cutting until it started bleeding. Till she was starting to get dizzy. Then she would've checked her phone; no new messages, no lost calls. Charged it if there was just a little power left, checked if the alert was set for tomorrow. Next morning she would've got up and felt that the whole world was against her. Still headed direction bathroom and put on her face. She'd skip the breakfast , she wouln't have felt that she was hungry. Even if her stomach was rumblin'. When she's coming to the school she would've put on her smile. The smile that the pupils and staff at the school [forventer] that she she have. If she doesn't have it, and start talking about her life with some of the other girls, they would've ditched her even more. She wouldn't have taken that chance. 

In the period of the 10 pretty lonely months I was on my dorm at the small mainland town I was looking forward to move to the city. I'd thought there was going to be a whole lot of very different people. Especially among the youth. Until now, there's pretty much like the small town. Yeah, apropos new people and the city - There's one thing I like very good, the teenagers here in the city are hand shaking each other when they get to know each other. 

You'll soon get to know them. As long as you talk a lot, and that's what my problem is. After the isolating at my room my talking skills were decreasing heavily. Nowadays, smalltalk is the big trick for me. But hey, another problem - I can't come up with something but very, very dry and boring thins like commenting buildings or talking about news. Maybe it would've worked if it was a nice and prestiguecovered university, but it isn't. It's high school. Rumors are what's exiting for the youth. But when you know as few people as me then it's not very much to talk about.